I’m fearing the results of unprotected sex are near.
Last night I went to the dollar theatre with Clint and his mother. We had seen every single release at least once, all except for INCEPTION, which I had been avoiding because I’m not such a big fan of Leonardo, and or confusing plots (I prefer big belly laughs or kung fu). As the movie started I began taking notes. This was one time I wasn’t going to get left behind in Act One.
Right around the 30 minute mark I began to realize that my feet, hands and face were feeling quite tingly—like when your leg goes to sleep tingly. Now I know that the hands and feet are expected to swell, and swell I have! But the face? Isn’t that a bad sign? I thought so.
After the movie I was convinced something was going on and requested a side trip to Rite Aid. My mother takes my father’s blood pressure four times a day, so I figured checking mine out once couldn’t hurt anything. After the machine squeezed my arm into oblivion it reported that I was high, much higher than normal.
My mother-in-law was adamant:
“I’ll tell you what—that number is a direct reflection of that stupid movie! How confusing was that? I’ve got a headache. I bet my blood pressure is through the roof. That was a horrible movie; Josie, it’s that darn Leonardo DiCaprio.”
While her assessment of my health as a result of Leonardo DiCaprio’s odd movie roles could be seen as genius by some, I was not quite convinced. Clint decided to drive us over to the hospital for a quick check-in.
Twenty minutes later I am checked into the local hospital and an orderly takes me up the elevator to the OB floor. The doors open and a nurse is immediately at my side, “Alisha? Hello, I’m Linda. I’ll be your Delivery Nurse.”
“DELIVERY NURSE? No, hey, I’m just here to get my blood pressure checked out, not deliver a baby.”
“Well,” she said smiling, “this is just procedure. Here’s your gown and there’s the bed!”
Linda hooked me up to all kinds of machinery and fetal monitors. “Now I’ll need to ask you some questions, Josie. Is this your first child?”
“Does your family have a history of diabetes? Preeclampsia?”
“No and no.”
“Have you had any contractions?”
“That’s odd! Because you just had one!”
See, I thought that was just indigestion. Those are contractions? In that case, heck, I’ve been having them all week. But that doesn’t mean I’m having the baby right now.
Linda hands me my clothing and tells me to go home and rest, drink more water and stay cool. On the way out the OB Nurses showed me a real live baby. Do you have any idea how big those are? I have it on good authority that my vagina is not, in fact, that big. Just sayn.